How to negotiate without facing backlash

Avoid the unfair judgments women can face when they negotiate.

Before You Start

Goal: Learn how to avoid the likeability penalty in negotiations: build rapport, communicate your value clearly, and frame your negotiation in communal language.

Meeting Agenda · Approx. 60 mins

  • Member Updates · 10 mins
  • Icebreaker · 10 mins
  • Key Takeaways · 5 mins
  • Activities · 20 mins
  • One Action · 10 mins
  • Wrap-Up · 5 mins

👋 Member Updates · 10 mins

Go around your Circle and share personal updates. Keep them brief and focused on significant changes or important decisions since the last time you met. It's OK not to have one every month. If you have a One Action update from last time, share that too.

🧊 Icebreaker · 10 mins

Invite everyone in the group to share. Keep answers to one or two minutes per person.

Think of a time when you negotiated and received pushback or judgment. What happened, and what would you do differently?

💡 Key Takeaways · 5 mins

Women often face unfair backlash for assertiveness in negotiations — but there are proven ways to advocate confidently while reducing that risk.

  • Bias creates a double bind. Unfairly, women are often expected to be “nicer” than men. This means that women who negotiate are more likely than men to be perceived as abrasive or intimidating, even when using the same language.
  • Relationship-building is a strategic advantage. Showing genuine interest in the other person, building rapport, and demonstrating that you care about shared goals can reduce the social cost when women advocate for themselves.
  • Communal language helps. Framing your request around "we," the team, and organizational goals — not just personal gain — helps the conversation feel collaborative.
  • Practice reduces hesitation. The more you rehearse negotiating in communal language, the more natural it becomes, and the better you'll become at putting it into action.

💬 Activity 1 · 10 mins

Build trust and rapport with your boss ahead of time

  1. Note down your manager's work goals and major interests outside of work.
  2. Then, write down some friendly conversation openers you can use whenever you talk to them. This helps to deepen your connection and can help every part of your working relationship, not just when you negotiate with them.
  3. Discuss as a group: How have you built trust and connection with your managers in the past? What has worked well? What conversation starters do you plan to use in future?

💬 Activity 2 · 10 mins

Plan to negotiate with communal language

  1. Practice reframing: Think of a statement you might use in a negotiation about your own accomplishments, and rewrite it using communal language. Here are some examples of how to do this:
  • When possible, talk about what “we” achieved as well as “I." (You won’t be able to do this for every instance of “I,” as you’ll have to talk about your own accomplishments and goals.)
  • Every time you state what you have achieved, clarify how it serves your team or organization.
  • If possible, state how your request will improve how you serve the team or organization.
  1. Discuss as a group:
  • Share your rewritten statements and give one another feedback. What would make each statement more compelling?
  • How do you stay warm and connected to the other person when a negotiation starts to feel tense or adversarial?

🎯 One Action · 10 mins

Commit to one concrete action — big or small — you'll take before next meeting. Go around the Circle and share (1 minute or less per member). Vocalizing it helps hold each other accountable.

Choose one upcoming conversation where you'll need to advocate for yourself. Plan to use the techniques from this meeting to build connection and help the conversation turn out as you hope.

📅 Wrap-Up · 5 mins

Before you break, plan your next meeting and close on an energetic note. Go around your Circle one by one and finish the sentence:

Now I am feeling… (choose one word).

  • Set the day, time, and location
  • Choose the next topic or resource
  • Confirm who's leading the discussion
  • Decide how you'll stay in touch in between