How to be assertive and bring others along with you

Assertiveness is a professional skill, but confident women are sometimes penalized.

Before You Start

Goal: Practice balancing assertiveness and empathy so that you can lead effectively without provoking backlash.

Meeting Agenda · Approx. 60 mins

  • Member Updates · 10 mins
  • Icebreaker · 10 mins
  • Key Takeaways · 5 mins
  • Activities · 20 mins
  • Write It Down · 2 mins
  • One Action · 10 mins
  • Wrap-Up · 5 mins

👋 Member Updates · 10 mins

Go around your Circle and share personal updates. Keep them brief and focused on significant changes or important decisions since the last time you met. It's OK not to have one every month. If you have a One Action update from last time, share that too.

🧊 Icebreaker · 10 mins

Invite everyone in the group to share. Keep answers to one or two minutes per person.

Have you ever had your demeanor criticized at work — for instance, been called difficult, abrasive, or too nice? How did you handle it?

💡 Key Takeaways · 5 mins

Assertiveness is a leadership skill — but for women, it requires an extra layer of strategy to avoid unfair penalties.

  • Bias penalizes assertiveness in women. The same directness that reads as confident in men can read as abrasive in women. Yet assertiveness is essential if you want to lead.
  • A communal framing makes assertiveness land better. When women combine a direct message with acknowledgment of shared goals or the other person's perspective, they are more likely to be heard.
  • You can be both direct and warm. Assertiveness and empathy are not opposites — the most effective communicators combine both.
  • Communal framing is a concrete skill. Start with "I understand that…" or "I hear that your priority is…" before stating your position. Tie your requests to team or company priorities, not your own.
  • Practice changes your defaults. Regularly rehearsing assertive-but-communal communication makes it more natural under pressure.

💬 Activity 1 · 10 mins

  1. Take a moment to recall a time when you were direct and assertive. How could you have added a more communal framing or shown more empathy? Share with the group.
  2. Practice communal framing: Think of something you need to advocate for at work. Write down how you plan to frame it communally and acknowledge the other person's perspective. Take turns sharing with a partner.

💬 Activity 2 · 10 mins

As we learned in the video, it's often easier for colleagues to hear assertive opinions when they are tied to your organization’s mission and goals. With this in mind, create three lists:

  • List 1: Your company’s and boss's top 3 goals
  • List 2: Your dissenting views—what you think your company or boss should really be doing, or actions they haven't considered
  • List 3: Connect your views from List 2 to your goals from List 1. For example, if you want to advocate for a new piece of software and your company's main goal is increasing revenue, think through why the software will drive that revenue. If you want to advocate for more inclusive hiring, think through the business case for doing so.

Have a few Circle members share something from List 3.

✍️ Write It Down · 2 mins

Take a few minutes to connect the discussion to your own life.

🎯 One Action · 10 mins

Commit to one concrete action — big or small — you'll take before next meeting. Go around the Circle and share (1 minute or less per member). Vocalizing it helps hold each other accountable.

This week, make a plan to use communal framing in a real interaction at work.

📅 Wrap-Up · 5 mins

Before you break, plan the next meeting and close on an energetic note. Go around your Circle one by one and finish the sentence:

Now I am feeling… (choose one word).

  • Set the day, time, and location
  • Choose the next topic or resource
  • Confirm who's leading the discussion
  • Decide how you'll stay in touch in between