How to negotiate so everyone wins

Learn the Stanford negotiation framework to get better results.

Before You Start

Goal: Apply Margaret Neale's four-step negotiation framework to a real situation, and practice crafting an ask that works for both sides. Brought to you in partnership with the Stanford VMware Women's Leadership Innovation Lab.

Watch: "Negotiation Is Problem Solving" — Margaret Neale, Stanford Graduate School of Business / Lean In. Members are encouraged to watch beforehand, but a quick recap at the meeting works too.

Meeting Agenda · Approx. 60 mins

  • Member Updates · 10 mins
  • Icebreaker · 10 mins
  • Key Takeaways · 5 mins
  • Activity · 20 mins
  • One Action · 10 mins
  • Wrap-Up · 5 mins

👋 Member Updates · 10 mins

Go around your Circle and share personal updates. Keep them brief and focused on significant changes or important decisions since the last time you met. It's OK not to have one every month. If you have a One Action update from last time, share that too.

🧊 Icebreaker · 10 mins

Invite everyone in the group to share. Keep answers to one or two minutes per person.

Think of a negotiation where you made an ask recently, big or small. How did it go?

💡 Key Takeaways · 5 mins

Negotiation isn't about winning. It's about finding solutions that make everyone better off. The goal is not to get a deal. The goal is to get a good deal.

  • Define a good deal upfront with three anchors. Before the conversation, outline your alternatives (what you have if no deal is reached), your reservation (the bottom line below which you walk away), and your aspiration (the best realistic outcome).
  • Four steps: Assess, Prepare, Ask, Package. Assess whether the negotiation is worth having. Prepare by understanding both your interests and your counterpart's. Ask by sharing your unique information and listening for theirs. Package by bundling issues together; never negotiate issue by issue.
  • Women fare better with a communal framing. Start with the benefits to your counterpart, your team, or your organization, rather than leading with what you want. This reduces backlash and increases success.
  • Three questions for every negotiation: Why are you asking and who benefits? How are you asking? And for whom are you asking: what does your proposal represent beyond yourself?
  • Negotiation is not just asking for a raise or promotion. Every situation where you want a different outcome than the one on offer is a negotiation: at work, at home, with vendors, with teams.

🏋️ Activity · 22 mins

Personal inventory and pair practice (22 mins)

Part 1: Personal inventory (5 mins)

Think of a recent negotiation. Individually, write down:

  • What were the benefits of undertaking it? What were the risks?
  • What was important to your counterpart? What was important to you?
  • Where did your interests overlap?
  • What issues did you package in your proposal, and how did it benefit your counterpart?
  • What was the outcome?

Part 2: Share with the Circle (8 mins)

Go around the group. Each person shares (2 minutes):

  1. What was your negotiation?
  2. What was the outcome?
  3. Could it have gone better? Why or why not?

Part 3: Practicing skills in pairs (9 mins)

Break into pairs. Each person shares an issue at work or home that they want to resolve with a negotiation. Using the four-step framework, your partner helps you think through:

  • Assess: Is it worth having? Can you have influence here?
  • Prepare: What are your interests? Your counterpart's? Your alternatives?
  • Ask: What unique information do you bring? What do you need to learn?
  • Package: How does your proposal benefit your counterpart?

After 3 minutes, switch roles.

🎯 One Action · 10 mins

Commit to one concrete action, big or small, you'll take before next meeting.

In the next week, make an ask at work, at home, or with someone in your life. Think of solutions that make all parties better off. Come to the next meeting ready to share what you proposed and what happened.

Go around the Circle and share (1 minute or less per member). Vocalizing it helps hold each other accountable.

📅 Wrap-Up · 5 mins

Before you break, plan your next meeting and close on an energetic note. Go around your Circle one by one and finish the sentence:

Now I am feeling… (choose one word).

  • Set the day, time, and location
  • Choose the next topic or resource
  • Confirm who's leading the discussion
  • Decide how you'll stay in touch in between